There’s nothing like having PMS around the holidays. I can hang ornaments and garland on the black cloud that’s hovering over my head. This thought occurred to me this morning as I huddled miserably on my couch between my two cherubic children and cringed as they rolled through their typical litany of morning “wants.” My non-verbalized responses to them are in square brackets.

4-Year-Old

  • I want to sit in the inside chair [I have no idea what she means]
  • I’m Thirsty! [I want chocolate]
  • I want to watch the leaf fairy movie [I want a plate of chocolate-covered leaf fairies!]
  • I don’t get a magazine. I want a magazine. [At this point a range of rage-related colors flashed before my eyes]
  • I’m hungry! Actually, I want string cheese. [Thank god daddy got up to get it]
  • I hate that smell! Oh! [Not exactly a want - just an exclamation I'm supposed to respond to. I'll pretend I didn't hear it]
  • I don’t need this anymore (her string cheese) – [kill me]
  • Oh, I don’t get a blanket! [That's right. You don't]


7-Year-Old

  • I want fabric to make Mary a santa hat [Wow, she's thinking of someone else. Wait a minute..."is Mary your stuffed animal?" (yes, it is)]
  • Is Bolt out yet? I really want to see it. [I really want your father to go take you to see it]
  • I want to see Madagascar 2! [Kill me]
  • I wish we had enough time to make pancakes [You DO have enough time to make pancakes. You're 7]
  • I want something salty [Go put salt on your imaginary pancakes]
  • I don’t want to take a bath [I don't want to smell you]
  • I want to keep talking on the (cell) phone with my cousin [Get a job!]

Of course I didn’t say any of that stuff, and quickly took myself out of the room and into my office so that it wouldn’t accidentally on purpose escape my lips. Don’t want to give them any MORE things to tell their therapist in 10 years now, do I?