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1. You think I’ll jump at the opportunity to get free shipping when spending $100 or more at a store I live five minutes away from. HINT: If you’re Target/Kohls/Best Buy, then give me free shipping on your damn web site during the holidays no matter how much I spend.

2. You think I’ll get all excited with the promise of 10%, 20%, 25% or 30% off. No. No. No. It must be 60% or more or It’s not worth my time. And that means you, Lillian Vernon!

3. You give me a coupon for $15.00 off my NEXT purchase of $100 or more. GIVE IT TO ME NOW, BASTARDS.

4. You call EVERYTHING a “doorbuster” sale. Please stop saying that. In case you haven’t heard, someone was actually killed when a bunch of people busted down a door at Walmart. Enough already.

5. You send me the SAME catalog with the SAME crap once to twice a week, but with a different cover and/or slightly different incentives. And this means you: Land’s End, Victoria’s Secret, American Girl Doll, Lillian Vernon and the stupid ass toy company I can’t remember the name of. STOP SENDING ME SHIT. I know you haven’t added anything new for the past five years and you’re really starting to piss me off.

update 12/18/08: 6. Stop sending me things via email and mail that say, “LAST CHANCE TO ORDER BEFORE CHRISTMAS + FREE SHIPPING!” Oh really? It’s my last chance? If it’s anyone’s last chance, it’s yours. LAST CHANCE – ORDER NOW AND RESTORE US TO SOLVENCY! Plus you and I both know that if I order it now, I have a 50/50 chance (at best) to see the item before Christmas. Are you going to be available to explain why your will-get-there-by-Christmas guarantee fell through to my sobbing 7 and/or 4-year-old? Perhaps you could also tell them that Santa is a lie and define the term “unrealistic expectations” while you’re at it. So until you include your CMO’s home phone number with that offer, I’m not going to fall for it. I’M NOT, I SAY! Merry Christmas indeed.

There’s nothing like having PMS around the holidays. I can hang ornaments and garland on the black cloud that’s hovering over my head. This thought occurred to me this morning as I huddled miserably on my couch between my two cherubic children and cringed as they rolled through their typical litany of morning “wants.” My non-verbalized responses to them are in square brackets.

4-Year-Old

• I want to sit in the inside chair [I have no idea what she means]
• I’m Thirsty! [I want chocolate]
• I want to watch the leaf fairy movie [I want a plate of chocolate-covered leaf fairies!]
• I don’t get a magazine. I want a magazine. [At this point a range of rage-related colors flashed before my eyes]
• I’m hungry! Actually, I want string cheese. [Thank god daddy got up to get it]
• I hate that smell! Oh! [Not exactly a want - just an exclamation I'm supposed to respond to. I'll pretend I didn't hear it]
• I don’t need this anymore (her string cheese) – [kill me]
• Oh, I don’t get a blanket! [That's right. You don't]

7-Year-Old

• I want fabric to make Mary a santa hat [Wow, she's thinking of someone else. Wait a minute..."is Mary your stuffed animal?" (yes, it is)]
• Is Bolt out yet? I really want to see it. [I really want your father to go take you to see it]
• I want to see Madagascar 2! [Kill me]
• I wish we had enough time to make pancakes [You DO have enough time to make pancakes. You're 7]
• I want something salty [Go put salt on your imaginary pancakes]
• I don’t want to take a bath [I don't want to smell you]
• I want to keep talking on the (cell) phone with my cousin [Get a job!]

Of course I didn’t say any of that stuff, and quickly took myself out of the room and into my office so that it wouldn’t accidentally on purpose escape my lips. Don’t want to give them any MORE things to tell their therapist in 10 years now, do I?