Having recently pulled my 6-year-old out of public school and put her into a small, ruralesque private school (which I can barely afford), I have been quite understandably obsessing over the public education system in this country.

Since I’ve found myself in the unlikely position of putting two children through elementary and possibly secondary school for the next decade and a half, I have every right to vent about the public education system. A system which was supposed to provide my children with a passably decent education, at the low-low cost of FREE for the next 14 years (roughly) of my childrens’ lives.

But I didn’t expect to watch my vibrant, funny, creative and extremely sensitive child gradually turn into a basket case once she started school. It all began last year in kindergarten where the teacher informed me she was the “ring leader” to a bunch of girls, “liked to chat” and had trouble listening. The latter proclamations were reiterated on her report card (I only had one meeting with the kindergarten teacher (from now on referred to as ASSHOLE) because apparently only one meeting is necessary “unless there’s a problem.”) So I cluelessly figured the chatting and poor listening skills were sort of age appropriate considering she was FIVE.

Silly me! Apparently they’re supposed to be reading mid 19th century novels by five and quoting Shakespeare in order to pass some arbitrary test by third grade. I mean, I was eating paste and studying my naval at five, but whatever. So I got a call from ASSHOLE in May (the school year ends in June) who stated that my child, “was the only one who wasn’t getting it.”

ASSHOLE explained that “it” was listening and sitting still and the implications that she had ADD or some other dreaded acronym hung unspoken in the air. Now, I’m not sure why she waited until the end of the year to communicate the issue in this way, and what the fuck constitutes a “problem” if this doesn’t, but then I don’t have a degree in secondary education so who am I to judge? I probably didn’t have PMS when ASSHOLE called because I remember being very nice and very apologetic about the whole thing. I mean, I knew my kid could be annoying and I figured she needed some more time to adjust to the militant atmosphere of public schooling.

First grade brought with it new challenges, including more homework and another clueless teacher who I’ll call ASSHOLE 2. This teacher was nice and all, but she was ineffectual and uncommunicative. As such, I received a pamphlet one day with a permission slip requesting that my child be enrolled in an adjustment program. This was the ONLY communication I’d had with the teacher since the school year started (about six weeks into the start of the year). So naturally I wrote her a note asking her to call me. I won’t go into the details of the program beyond saying that it seemed completely arbitrary based on my child’s academic progress (which was excellent) and it became the catalyst for me to seek educational alternatives.

Yadda Yadda Yadda, we pulled the kid out of first grade and now she’s in a nice artsy fartsy school which she loves. She’s taking Spanish, drama, dance and liberal arts. She has no homework in first grade. She draws pictures of the trees outside the classroom window and is allowed to take her shoes off. Woo freaking hoo, an actual education.

But since this was a big decision requiring my family eat beans out of a can for the next 10 years, I did some research into things like No Child Left Behind – a law that requires all students to reach some uniform level of achievement by 2014 which is measured by annual tests that begin in third grade. What happens if the kids fail the test or the schools score poorly as a whole, you ask? They lose funding and are labeled as “bad” schools or whatnot.

Oh I get it! I can see now why it’s so important for my 5 year old to learn how to read in kindergarten, and only get 30 minutes per WEEK of free time in first grade. That’s a completely realistic expectation for a 6-year-old, right? RIGHT???

I guess I can understand the pressure the teachers are under even in the early grades…sure…and of course the teachers, including ASSHOLE and ASSHOLE 2 are desperate to get kids to sit the fuck down, shut up and study their numbers/letters/words so they’ll pass the damn test and the school will get its damn money. That makes the whole “discipline- through-humility” thing kind of necessary.

What is humilitarian discipline, you ask? Well, in my child’s first grade class the kids were awarded “money” if they behaved and “money” was taken away if they didn’t behave. A running tally of the sit-down-and-shut-up fund was kept on the board for all the students to see. But it wasn’t enough for them to behave, their entire ROW had to behave and if someone in the row was an evil, mean-spirited little urchin who didn’t “shudder” follow rules, then the entire row lost money. At the end of the week, the row with the most money won which apparently entitled them to something. I forget what. I think it may have been to pelt stones and sharp objects at the poor sorry losers who had the least amount of money.

Way to go ASSHOLE 2! You not only succeeded in maintaining order, you succeeded in turning my child into a basket case afraid to speak in public and constantly ashamed of herself and the other children in her row (on the weeks they were losing). On the winning weeks (so few and far between for my talkative child), you managed to make her feel superior and label other children as “bad.” What a great lesson!

So now she’s in private school and, having had some time reflect on this entire experience and having a severe case of PMS, I have to say…

WHAT
THE
FUCK???

Every single parent I’ve spoken to with kids in public school have a similar story, some of them are far worse – particularly for kids in the older grades. Many people don’t have the choice to pull their kids out of what is essentially a hostile situation. Why don’t millions of parents have the choice? Why do millions of kids need to suffer or be medicated to fit into an unrealistic mold? Why don’t we storm the Capitol and take our children back?

Because we don’t all have PMS at the same time. Damn.