I haven’t left my house since Thursday because I’ve been sick and so have my germ-infested, liquidy children. Then, to add to the fun, I woke up on Saturday morning with, you guessed it, a visit from Aunt Flo. As if a low grade fever and no air passage through my nose wasn’t discomfort enough.

If I have to spend one more day in this prison of a house, I’m going to EXPLODE. I thought if I ate enough junk food and watched enough Daily Show reruns (um…ALL WEEKEND), I’d be fine. I was wrong. There’s not enough chocolate in the world to make it all better (and believe me, I put the chocolate theory to the test). I’m crampy. I’m stuffy. I’m whiny. I can barely stand to be around me for one more second.

Why oh why did I buy my Halloween candy so early? All I have left for the neighborhood trick or treaters are some apples I picked myself two weeks ago and the junky candy no one likes from those candy mixes you get at Target. Who eats vanilla tootsie rolls and sweet tarts shaped like bones anyway? My house is definitely going to get egged this year.